Wendy Muzlanova

The story, “But She Looked Above and Nothing was There” by Wendy Jane Muzlanova, appears in the Terror Scribes anthology, being launched in April 2012. The anthology was edited by Adam Lowe and Chris Kelso and published by Dog Horn.

“Terror Scribes is a satisfyingly diverse anthology, furnished with nebulous, original tales guaranteed to set your teeth on edge and give you bouts of gooseflesh. From the home-grown talent of Sue Phillips to prolific US gore-hound Deb Hoag, from the satirists to the psychopaths to the traditionalists, from demonic possession of celebrities to masturbating werewolves, from hair-raising fairytales to disturbing accounts of everyday terror, you will shiver and gasp and question. We are not oblivious to the fear Terror Scribes will evoke. Quite the contrary, we’re advocates of it . . .”

http://soundcloud.com/dog-horn-publishing/dogcast-10

“Gentle Listener, peel back your lobes, lie back and fall into the world of Dog horn Publishing. This week Dave Migman reads samples from Tom Bradley, John-Ivan Palmer and Jonathan Penton. There is also poetry from Wendy Jane Muzlanova and Carmina Masoliver. Dogcast 10 is here!“

I have JUST got off the number 30 bus – the one that takes all of the OLD people – and ME – right up the HILL, so that we don’t have to LABOUR against the GRADIENT. I am just an Old-Person-In-Waiting. I KNOW this. One day, it will be ME with that hip replacement, ME with that Mobility scooter. I can’t WAIT. I have a LIST of a few certain RIGHTEOUS FUCKERS that I want to run OVER, BIG-style….for example….that REIKI-SPEWING GURU from the AFFLUENT VILLAGE a few miles away….belly-dancing, wand-wielding, feta-cheese eating HIPPY WHOOR that you are!!!   (I am GLAD that I vomited all over your antique carpet that one New Year. When my brain finally SUCCUMBS to the TANGLES and PLAQUES of DEMENTIA, I will STILL fondly remember SPEWING my RED-WINE LOAD upon your SKANKY, FLOWERY RUG….you wholemeal, organic, hypocritical, Holier-Than-Thou MIDDEN!!!!)

(Back to the people on the number 30 bus…)

Mr and Mrs Judgemental Jones are perfectly SILENT, now that I have a JOB. His ruddy, stubbly face no longer BOOMS out to the world, “SO! HAVE YOU GOT A JOB YET???!!!!” SHE never asks, SLYly, PUBlicly, “SO, is it your DAY OFF, THEN???!!!!”  I note NOWadays, with a certain satisFAction, that MISTER Judgemental Jones is becoming SUSPICIOUSLY CLOSE to the casually-sprawling JAKEYS in our CRAP Shopping Centre and that MRS. Judgemental Jones is much more SUBDUED than usual and indeed, hurries on PAST when she encounters ME….

Village UPDATES are EXCRETED by gossipy Mrs Plankton. She is quite ADEPT at pretending to be a GOODCHRISTIAN, what with all the CHURCH-Going, the THANKS-Giving and ALL THAT MALARKY, BUT – she NEVER gave me a lift up the BIG HILL in the PISSING RAIN – even when I was CLEARLY KNACKERED after a SLEEPOVER shift….

Depressing Mrs. WRAITH, with her NICOTINE-RAVAGED face and her THIN LIPS, hobbles along the street, EMphasising her ARTHRITIS for the AUdience, which is, even now, TWITCHing behind net CURTAINS. She CLAIMS to be a LONELY old soul. Her GRANDchildren – teenagers now – NEVER visit her. They doubtless recall all of her INCESSANT FAULT-FINDING when they were just SMALL. They MUST remember being SCREAMED at all of the time they were in her MEAN HOUSE. I used to overhear and PITY them. Mrs Wraith has HUMOROUS GARDEN ORNAMENTS at the front of her property, in her MEAN GARDEN. The plastic and resin MONSTROSITIES pretend light-HEARTedness and a certain kind of generous BENEVOLENCE towards SMALL people….Mrs Wraith is a LIAR….

http://www.doghornpublishing.com/books/bite_me_robot_boy.html

Bite Me, Robot Boy

Edited by Adam Lowe

£14.99

Women Writing the Weird

Ed. by Deb Hoag

£14.99

Featuring
Nancy A. Collins, Eugie Foster, Janice Lee, Rachel Kendall, Candy Caradoc, Mysty Unger, Roberta Lawson, Sara Genge, Gina Ranalli, Deb Hoag, C. M. Vernon, Aliette de Bodard, Caroline M. Yoachim, Flavia Testa, Aimee C. Amodio, Ann Hagman Cardinal, Rachel Turner, Wendy Jane Muzlanova, Katie Coyle, Helen Burke, Janis Butler Holm, J.S. Breukelaar, Carol Novack, Tantra Bensko, Nancy DiMauro, Moira McPartlin.

Oh joy of JOYS! Number 9 is off the rack; sweating, pulsing, vibrating . . . yes, it is HERE! Featuring Chris Kelso, Wendy Jane Muzlanova, Jed Belly, Mark Todd and Dave Migman . . . SO GET LISTENING!

http://soundcloud.com/dog-horn-publishing/dogcast-9

Yes! It is truth that Francis Sinatra was prone to sing “Walking in the Winter Wonderland”

Superior and Athletic Body of Sergei

- but this was (of course) being pale and laughable capitalist imitation of Great Soviet Seasonal Song as feature in title! Today I am reminisce of glorious Russian original ditty when I am being myself, yes, perambulating in verifiable wintery country of great philosophical ponderings! Allow me to thrust some light upon a subject!

Today I finished toiling at my beloved place of industry at suspiciously early time. Henceforth, I am decided to walking through dense and threatening woods known locally as, “Great Quarry and Mill Park of Noble Workers.” Snow is radiating massive and magnificent shafts of light and I am feeling myself so tempt by nature! On subject of massive and magnificent shafts, I am instantly remind of my huge and unfriendly (yet strangely captivating) bodyguard, Sergei. I calling him on telephone to request his attentions to my safety upon Evil Walk of Hidden Dangers All Around. BUT! He is saying that he is regret he cannot this day safeguard my fragile personage by means of his superior, athletic (yet strangely scarred) body!!! It is most out of usual, but Sergei is not able to be help, as he is attending “The Night Class”

Police Sketch of Understandably Thieving Peasant

with his occasional prostitute Natasha. They are embarking upon Advanced Macrame For Beginners at The Perth Collegiate and seem to be needing great deals of ropes.

Never the less! I am choose to make hazardous foray by my own. Some of you are saying, I do not doubt fact, that I am being of mind which is not sound! Nothing is further from a verity! As I am trudging along lone some path home to collective farm, I am being greeted in healthy fashion by so many ripe and red-cheeked peasants who are called, I am led to believing, “Zhaykeys,” “Minkes” and “The Scum of Doles.” How I am giggling with cheery nerves as they are snatching my bag in merry proletarian manner! I am remind of philosophy of Marx who was shouting (when he was alive) “All of the property is the theft!” and so I am replenished with guilt for “owning” handbag in the very first place. Indeed, I am determining to read as encore, “Communist Manifesto” along beside my bedtime pitcher of vodka. Purging evil capitalist notions from my head – is some similarity to root canal treatment of frontal lobe! Vodka will ease inevitable pain. Yes! It is aged wisdom!

BUT! In return to walk of winter wonders etc. How I am being touched by plight of miniscule puffed-up feathery birds desperately attempt to find food in unloving environment! I am feeling for them in special way as I have also been in Tesco Queue today for No Bread. How I am being just like tiny, helpless bird in Winter, as I try in the vain to secure essential nourishment from Evil Capitalist Customer Services Fascists! They say they are not even being able (at moment in time) to be offer me the bread of Naan from The Hindustan, much less Glorious Black Bread of Motherland (which is ever guaranteed by manufacturer to be containing authenticated grit from Chelyabinsk….)

Dmitry Killemov (in "happier" times)

YES! I am full of the woe and minus bread and handbag, but making up mind to be feeding spare parts from Sergei’s previous (and late) “business partner” (one Dmitry Killemov, as you are in the know) to poor creatures of unforgiving forest! Charity in Adversity! It is motto of my family and always has been, since Papa erased previous motto from collective consciousness by means of diligent and sustained brutality. Oh Papa! How you are remind me of Sergei in actual fact! Cruel, yet fair! I am fervently hope that Sergei will not be enrol for Extra-Curricular “Activities” with occasional prostitute Natasha, but

Picture of Natsha. Oh no! Ha ha ha! It is DOG!

only a time will letting us be in the know…..good night, my Bolshoi Boy xxx

Yes! It is truth! Today I am feeling myself so much enjoy and proudness! My huge and unfriendly bodyguard Sergei is being victorious in All Provinces Yoga Tournament! See here photograph of winning yoga position, as featured in local gazette, “Revolting Peasant Today.” People sometimes under mistaken apprehension that my faithful (yet huge and unfriendly) bodyguard is simply common thug! Nothing is being further from truth! He is gentle and simple man and comrades who have known him (in past when they were alive) said he is being cruel yet fair. For the example to make – if he is cutting off right ear from evil capitalist transgressor, he is never leaving left ear in lonely state. Such sensitive man as I have already never experienced! Sergei is also feeling himself so much enjoy in relaxing with the macrame and cross-stitch. I am asking you. Is vile and unfortunate reputation of faithful slave deserved? After I am finding much rope and many needles in back of Lada, Sergei is confessing to me that he is making surprise handicrafted gift for his former “business partner” Dimitri Killemov. How I am being touched! Well done, Sergei, in your valiant attempts to be starting fresh new life (mostly) free of crime! I am saluting you with fervour and demanding immediate execution of your critics, my Bolshoi Boy! xxx

Meet Sergei, most convenient, huge and unfriendly bodyguard!

In photo, not possible to see see blood on incisors because samogonka* is being washing it right off, along with most of actual tooth enamel.

In photo, Sergei is smiling. Please don’t be fooling yourself into thinking that this is good sign…

*samogonka – home-made vodka, usually being made in the filthy bath-tubs and being lovingly created from the convenient and useful industrial waste by-products (eye-sight not guaranteed to be ever or eventually returning after consumption – this is because optic nerve may be suffering destruction in process of imbibing)